Clean jokes thread

[Docwaukee]

I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.

[Docwaukee]

An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels, although they still cannot watch Breaking Bad on AMC.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."

The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are You going to get a lawyer?"

[Taylor]

A man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, all he can see is men and women standing around in 3 feet of excrement, drinking coffee. Someone offers him a cup of coffee, which he takes. "This ain't so bad," the man thinks.

 

Suddenly, a voice comes over a loud speaker:

 

"Alright, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

[Ray McKigney]

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

 

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

[Glen]

A highway cop was cruising one evening when he noticed a car with a penguin in the back seat. He pulled the car over.

Officer: Sir, why do you have a penguin in your back seat?

Driver: I saw him wandering on the side of the road, so I put him in my car for safety.

Officer: Don't you think he probably escaped from the zoo?

Driver: You're right. I'll take him back to the zoo tomorrow.

The next evening, the cop was cruising down the freeway, when once again, he saw the same car with the same penguin in the back seat. He pulled the car over a second time.

Officer: Sir, I thought we agreed you'd take the penguin back to the zoo.

Driver: I did take the penguin to the zoo. We had a great time. We're going to Sea World tomorrow.

I love this one.

[2112]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[Ray McKigney]

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

 

Police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

Edited March 1, 2016 by Ray McKigney

[m0nkey]

Two guys stole a calendar.

 

 

 

They each got six months

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Ray McKigney]

There was a terrible power outage in Poland's largest shopping mall. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Ray McKigney

[the dude abides]

Friends are a lot like snow.

 

When you pee on them, they disappear.

[the dude abides]

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

 

A: The Holocaust. 

[Tank]

I don't know, a worm in your apple is pretty bad.

Not as bad as finding half a worm.

Or the holocaust.

[m0nkey]

Where do homeless accountants live?

 

 

 

 

 

In a tax shelter

[Tank]

Friends are a lot like snow.

 

When you pee on them, they disappear.

 

i think that's why stickboy is no longer here.

[the dude abides]

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

[Taylor]

22 hours ago, the_dude_abides said:

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Genocide?

[the dude abides]

7 hours ago, Taylor said:

Genocide?

Lol.

 

[Chuck]

Knock knock Who's there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Never mind...it's pointless...

[Chuck]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man (about 75 years old) on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.

It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers softly, "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your... side-view... mirror."

[tdawg87]

There's no smoking in heaven because God hates fags.

[Vegas Halo Fan]

Doc's joke reminds me of two told to me by a college friend - who has been an attorney for years.

 

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

 

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

A lawyer can take off his wingtips.

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]