Clean jokes thread

[angelsfan100]

What does a Lawyer wear to court?

A law suit 

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[fan_since79]

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Mike told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
 
"Very good," said the teacher.
 
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
 
"Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.
Next, it was Barry’s  turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a flight engineer in the Iraq war and her plane got hit by gun fire. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."
 
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
 
"Aunt Judy drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
 
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." 
 
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
 
"Stay away from Aunt Judy when she's drunk."

[fan_since79]

This New Year’s  morning I took a walk and saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Candy Bar. 

I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." 

He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did he eat a lot of chocolate?" I responded.

"No, he minded his own damn friggin business."

[T.G.]

What happens when a frog parks illegally?

They get toad.

[T.G.]

Wife calling her husband at the bar:  "Your dinner is ready - if you're not here in 30 minutes, I'm giving it to the dog."

Husband: "I'll be there in fifteen minutes, I love that dog too much to put him through that"

[Tank]

i put a joke on each history test for the 6th graders. here's this weeks' one.

You know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

 

Because they're really good at it.

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Roy Hobbs]

Sean Connery had this weird habit of arranging dinner plates by the year they were made.

It was an extremley rare dish order.

[Slegnaac]

A Priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.  The rabbit says, "I might be a typo."

 

Happy Easter.

[Roy Hobbs]

[Slegnaac]

[T.G.]

Don't tell secrets in the garden.  The potatoes have eyes. The corn has ears and the beanstalk.

[Redondo]

Researchers have found that diet has a very large impact on sex. After many years of clinical study, they’ve found the one food that strips a woman of her desire for sex…. Believe it or not, it’s wedding cake

[Redondo]

Before the wedding, they discussed sex. He asked her "How do you feel about sex?" 

She replied, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "

He should have asked her:

"Is that one word or two?"

[fan_since79]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless"with a big smile on his face.