Clean jokes thread

[Lou]

Have you heard about Murphy's Law?  Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

How about Cole's Law? No.

 

It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.

[T.G.]

"Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"

[T.G.]

What did one hat say to the other?

Stay here! I'm going on ahead.

[T.G.]

What concert costs just 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

[T.G.]

This one's for @Tank

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

[T.G.]

What country's capital is growing the fastest?

Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

[Tank]

4 hours ago, T.G. said:

This one's for @Tank

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

i'm waiting for confirmation from an angry lesbian in portland. 

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[fan_since79]

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the woman and laughed, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to" A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing. When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing. The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"

[fan_since79]

Last Will and Testament

Steve has lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present, and a camcorder is in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Doug, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses"

"My daughter Kelly, you take the apartments between mile markers 
100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Kevin, I want you to take the offices over in the 
Marathon Government Center."

"Cathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings 
on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Steve slips away, the nurse says, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, 

" He Had A Paper route.!!!!!!!!

[Taylor]

25 minutes ago, fan_since79 said:

Last Will and Testament

Steve has lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present, and a camcorder is in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Doug, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses"

"My daughter Kelly, you take the apartments between mile markers 
100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Kevin, I want you to take the offices over in the 
Marathon Government Center."

"Cathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings 
on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Steve slips away, the nurse says, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, 

" He Had A Paper route.!!!!!!!!

Cute.

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[JAHV76]

[T.G.]

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a hole. They look down and can’t see the bottom. They wonder how deep it is and go looking for something to throw down the hole.

They see a rusty old anvil and throw it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear rustling leaves behind them and a galloping sound. A goat goes flying past them straight into the hole. They are pretty astonished.

Then they hear a guy calling out for his goat. He sees the two hunters and one says, “I’m sorry, but if you’re looking for your goat he just ran into this bottomless hole.”

The man says, “That’s impossible, I tied him off to an anvil.”

[T.G.]

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[T.G.]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[T.G.]

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]

Two MLB pitchers were best friends. One dies and a few days later the other wakes up to find his buddy sitting on his bed. "Is there baseball in heaven?" he asks. "Well, there's good news and bad news," his deceased buddy replies. "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven." "Great! What's the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow."

Edited January 24, 2023 by Vegas Halo Fan

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Slegnaac]

I asked the librarian if she had any books about Pavlov's dogs or Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not. 

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[T.G.]

What does a lawyer wear to work?

A lawsuit

[Slegnaac]

I called Walmart today to see roughly when my W-2 would arrive.  They gave me a 1-800 number to call.

I called and after giving the lady all my information, she couldn't find me in the system.  She asked me what my my employee number was and I told her I had no clue.  She asked who my supervisor was and I said I wasn't sure about that either.  Then she asked what department I worked in and I informed her that I'm a self checkout cashier.   The lady proceeded to say "Dude, really" followed by a CLICK.

Such unprofessionalism from the Corporate office.

[Vegas Halo Fan]

8 hours ago, T.G. said:

What does a lawyer wear to work?

A lawsuit

From a college friend who is an attorney:

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer can take off his wingtips.


What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is s scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.