Clean jokes thread

[Tank]

Do you know the difference between a snake found laying on the road and a lawyer found laying on the road? 
 

There are skid marks in front of the snake. 

[Vegas Halo Fan]

2 hours ago, Tank said:

Do you know the difference between a snake found laying on the road and a lawyer found laying on the road? 
 

There are skid marks in front of the snake. 

Reminds me of the cheers from the crowd when the tyrannosaurus rex ate the lawyer in the original Jurassic Park movie.

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]

An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Vinnie

Edited February 7, 2023 by Vegas Halo Fan

[T.G.]

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and his left leg?

 

 

He'll be all right.

[Tank]

1 hour ago, T.G. said:

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and his left leg?

 

 

He'll be all right.

i'm not going to search through this entire thread for it, but i believe you have craig'd me.

[Taylor]

The pandemic was tough on joke-writing companies. One company laid off its entire punchline team. I guess you could say

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]

Bill Engvall might have said, "Here's your sign."

[Vegas Halo Fan]

This isn't really a joke, but rather a clever Craigslist ad that someone has crafted for selling a piccolo. 

They call the trumpet "God's Instrument." The instrument that takes a month to learn and a lifetime to master. Forget that. I'm giving you the chance to own "Satan's Instrument." The instrument that takes a second to hate and a lifetime to get used to. If your goal is world domination, getting the ball rolling on the apocalypse, or simply disarming someone who's a little too "rapey," this miniature flute of terror will hold the game down. And how:

Brought to you by Lucifer himself, this Bundy bpc-300 Piccolo will serve his evil minion well. From it's compact arthritis-inducing body this pipe will unleash a sound that can bring entire crowds of people to their knees in pain and surrender. If you're thinking of starting a bloody coup, leave the AK-47s and sarin gas at home son, this picc is all you need.

This instrument has the ability to sing an A five lines above the staff so crisp and clear that if you're not careful may actually cleave your conductor's brain clean in half. It's highest note is one only dogs can hear, that composers have dubbed "X."

Apart from the oboe, this is the only instrument able to kick a field goal of pain right between the goal posts of your unfortunate target's neurons, resulting in synaptic misfires, blown mental fuses, and a complete breakdown of all left brain activity, leaving the right brain to writhe in pain and confusion whilst scrambling all bodily motor functions. Any soul unlucky enough to wind up on the business end of Beezulbub's piccolo will instantly be reduced to the fetal position and revoked of their right to free will.

Aside from violating several Geneva Convention protocols, this wailing weaponry can produce frequencies that wreak havoc upon others by causing:

-- sudden unexpected nosebleeds

-- aphasia

-- heart palpitations

-- aneurisms

-- loss of sanity

-- unexplainable rage

-- spontaneous combustion

-- abandonment of the will to live

-- anal leakage

It's a common mistake to think that the piccolo also has side effects on it's user. Many claim it causes acute narcissism, but in reality the only people drawn to this instrument are already delusionally narcissistic, have serial killer tendencies, and show traits as promising future dictators.

Since I'm livin' the dream, I'm retiring from my reign of terror and passing on the torch. Being evil is an arduous, exhaustive effort, and this musical scepter cannot be played by your average whitebread vanilla villain. Only the most cunning, dextrous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane may apply. Who among you is worthy?

-200 OBO Pickup in Redmond

[PattyD22]

I posted this in The Outdoors thread but I suppose it can go here also:

A Bear is chasing two guys down a trail. One of the guys stops and takes his hiking boots off and puts some running shoes on.

His buddy says, “what the hell are you doing?  You’ll never out run that Bear, even with running shoes on.”

His buddy says, “I don’t need to outrun the Bear dumbass, I just need to outrun you.”

[fan_since79]

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen? “There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please.“

They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[fan_since79]

A man, a lifelong bachelor, was told by the Doctor he only had six months to live.

"What should I do Doc?"
"Get married"
"Why? Will that make me live longer?"
"No, but it will be the longest six months of your life"

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Taylor]

On 3/31/2023 at 12:44 PM, Vegas Halo Fan said:

Tank will share this tomorrow.

[Blarg]

Now that he has liked it I'm sure he will. 

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Tank]

19 hours ago, Blarg said:

Now that he has liked it I'm sure he will. 

i didn't save that meme so you're all safe

 

 

 

for now . . .

[Vegas Halo Fan]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[fan_since79]

Grandma calls and announces that she will be coming by for a visit in about half an hour. When she comes she is surprised to see her grandchild running to her as if possessed and hugging her with all his tiny might. 

“What is it, Eric??" She asks. 

“Now that you're here, grandma, we have everything!" 

“Whatever do you mean?" Inquired the surprised granny.

When you called, mom said: 'That's all we need right now.' So now that you're here, we have all we need!"

[fan_since79]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" 

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago". 

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" 

“Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality. 

"Really," he gulped,"like what?" 

“Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck." Saying this, she became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." 

Oh," said the man, holding out his hand, "Tonto Goldstein, at your service. But my friends call me Bubba."