Clean jokes thread

[Glen]

Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. When they heard drums, one cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then an Indian called from over the hill, "Sorry, it's not our usual drummer!"

 

[Adam]

Knock Knock

Who's There

9/11

9/11 Who?

You said you'd never forget. 

[red321]

A horse walks in to a bar...the bartender says..."why the long face?"

[Glen]

Knock Knock

Who's There

9/11

9/11 Who?

You said you'd never forget. 

 

 

One of my all-time favorites.

[Glen]

I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

[Blarg]

A man is devastated by his wife's infidelity and seeks marriage counseling but that doesn't work. He enlists an intervention of friends and family and yet still she won't quit sleeping with other men. Finally he turns to religion and finds the peace and strength he needed to cope with the problem through Islam. They are stoning her tomorrow.

[mtangelsfan]

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

[Adam]

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Cold, black and hanging out at a gas station

[the dude abides]

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Angel Dog and Beer]

A teen boy and his friend find his Dad's old porn tapes. They put it on and start watching it.  One of the boys kept getting up and leaving the room, only to return a few minutes later. This went on a handful of times.  Curious, the other boy stopped the tape and asked the boy why he was leaving the room so much. The boy replied, "My Mom told me if I ever watched something bad like this I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard".

[Angel Dog and Beer]

A man with an orange on his face walks into a bar and sits down.  The bartender, curious why the man has an orange on his face, asked him how it happened.

 

"Well, one day, I was walking along a beach and found an old lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out!  He said I could have three wishes. So my first wish was that I could have all the money in the entire world. 

 

"Ok, what about your second?" the bartender asked.

 

My second wish was that I could have any woman I wanted."

 

"So, what was your third wish?" the bartender asked.

 

"I asked for an orange on my face"

[Glen]

I keep missing my ex-wife.

 

That's why I'm going to counselling.

 

 

 

 

Anti-jokes are also welcome.  

 

 

 

 

 

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

 

Dr. Dre

[Blarg]

I keep missing my ex-wife.

 

That's why I'm going to counselling.

 

 

You should be going to the range or a gunsmith if missing her is the problem.

[Glen]

Hence the anti-joke.  That or something similar is the expected punchline.

[Adam]

How does Michael J Fox make a milkshake?

 

 

 

He puts ice cream and milk in a blender and turns it on. 

[IEAngelsfan]

Confucius says "crowded elevator smell different to midget."

[tdawg87]

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

[Tank]

you know the difference between policemen's balls and firemen's balls?

 

 

 

about $20 a ticket.

[Tank]

you know why cannibals don't eat clowns?

 

because they taste funny.

[Ray McKigney]

Why can't Dracula's wife fall sleep?

 

Because of his coffin.

[Tank]

you know why helen keller only played the piano with one hand?

 

 

she sang with the other one.

[Ray McKigney]

Why can't gerbils drive?

 

 

They can't get out of Gere.

[tdawg87]

There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew sitting at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

[Homebrewer]

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.”

[Homebrewer]

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”