Clean jokes thread

[Slegnaac]

Three expectant fathers were at the hospital waiting the arrival of their first born child.

A nurse came into the waiting room told Mr. Smith, "Congratulations your wife just gave birth to twins."  "Imagine that, I manage a Double Tree Hotel", said Mr. Smith.

Not long after that the nurse came back onto the waiting room.  "Congratulations Mr. Jones, your wife just gave birth to triplets."  "That a coincidence,  I work at the 3M company."

The third man suddenly fell to his knees sobbing.  The nurse rushed over to find out what had happened.  In a wavering voice the man explained that he worked at the 7-Up plant.

[fan_since79]

A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

[Blarg]

4 hours ago, fan_since79 said:

A cat dies... 

Hahahaha.

Oh, there is more? 

[St1ck]

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

The horse says, "My crippling alcoholism is destroying my family." 

Edited April 6, 2022 by St1ck

[fan_since79]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket he said, “I'm just here to feed the alligator."

[Tank]

2 hours ago, St1ck said:

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

The horse says, "My crippling alcoholism is destroying my family." 

that did not go the way i expected it to.

signed, john lackey

[St1ck]

7 minutes ago, Tank said:

that did not go the way i expected it to.

signed, john lackey

Knock knock

Who's there?

The police.

The police who?

Ma'am your son is dead.

[Lou]

4 minutes ago, St1ck said:

Knock knock

Who's there?

The police.

The police who?

Ma'am your son is dead.

Is this a shtick up?

[Taylor]

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

 

 

 

A: Genocide.

[Slegnaac]

The Clean but Dark, Joke Thread

[Tank]

Why'd the man throw his alarm clock out of the window?

 

Because he had given up on life.

[Taylor]

How do you make a Red Sox fan cry?

 

 

 

Burn down his house.

[T.G.]

What's Arte Moreno's favorite game

Yahtzee!

[Taylor]

A priest, a rabbi, a pirate, and a toaster walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

[tdawg87]

What do you get from a pampered cow?

 

Spoiled milk.

[Tank]

where do you get virgin wool?

 

from ugly sheep.

[Tank]

did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

 

he worked it out with a pencil.

[HanfordGuy]

I don’t like going to funerals early in the day. I’m not a mourning person.

[HanfordGuy]

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

[HanfordGuy]

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

[HanfordGuy]

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed.
 

 

Well, except one person.

[Lou]

My buddies and I walked up to the bar and the bartender looked at me and asked: " Are you all together?" 

I replied: " I like to think I am."

 

 

Same result.... bitch. 

[Blarg]

2 minutes ago, Lou said:

My buddies and I walked up to the bar and the bartender looked at me and asked: " Are you all together?" 

I replied: " I like to think I am."

 

 

Same result.... bitch. 

Well said. 

[T.G.]

 

6:00 mark... funny

Edited April 25, 2022 by True Grich

[Barf]

I lost 3 fingers on my right hand, so I asked my Doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

She said, 'Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.'