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Clean jokes thread


Glen

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On 2/9/2020 at 1:08 PM, Redondo said:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out for a ride. They come to a cliff overlooking a valley.

Down below were 10,000 Indians on the warpath.

The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto and asks, what are we going to do?

Tonto replies, what do you mean we, white man?

heard the punchline as "what do you mean "we", kimosabe?"

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A large woman is riding on a bus. It's a non-stop ride from LA to Vegas.  At about the halfway point, the woman walks up to the driver and says, "Sir, I really have to use the bathroom - can you please pull over?"  The Driver, doesn't make any eye contact - his eyes fixed on the road ahead and says, "Sorry lady, this is a non-stop bus."  The lady retreats back to her seat. Five minutes later - she approaches the driver again. Same result.  Twenty minutes go by and she can't hold it any longer. She rolls the window down, sticks her butt out the window and let's the crap fly.

Two guys in a car witness the whole thing.  Driver says to his passenger.  "Did you see the size of that loogy?"  His passenger, laughs and says... "Size of the loogy?  Did you see the lips that let it out?"

Edited by True Grich
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3 hours ago, True Grich said:

A large woman is riding on a bus. It's a non-stop ride from LA to Vegas.  At about the halfway point, the woman walks up to the driver and says, "Sir, I really have to use the bathroom - can you please pull over?"  The Driver, doesn't make any eye contact - his eyes fixed on the road ahead and says, "Sorry lady, this is a non-stop bus."  The lady retreats back to her seat. Five minutes later - she approaches the driver again. Same result.  Twenty minutes go by and she can't hold it any longer. She rolls the window down, sticks her butt out the window and let's the crap fly.

Two guys in a car witness the whole thing.  Driver says to his passenger.  "Did you see the size of that loogy?"  His passenger, laughs and says... "Size of the loogy?  Did you see the lips that let it out?"

That isn't clean 

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  • 2 weeks later...

The Dean is hospitalized after a heart attack. As he is lying in his hospital bed reflecting on his near brush with death, an attendant arrives with a lovely bouquet of flowers.

The Dean asks the attendant to hand him the card and finds that it reads, "By a vote of 26 to 3 with 2 abstentions, the faculty wish you a speedy recovery."

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Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

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An old man in a retirement home was walking out near the fish pond, when i saw a frog. To his surprise the frog began to talk and told the old man that if he kissed her she would turn back to a princess and fulfill his wildest fantasy. He picked up the frog and put in his pocket.

Back on the porch sitting with his friends took the frog out and she repeated that she was a princess and he kissed her she would return to her former self and satisfy his wildest fantasy. His friends go ahead and kiss her. He said at his age he rather have a talking frog.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you. The boy looks over and responds, My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five. The man replies, And he ate that much chocolate? No says the boy, he minded his own business.

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