Clean jokes thread

[Roy Hobbs]

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won't understand.

[Redondo]

On 6/13/2020 at 9:29 AM, Roy Hobbs said:

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won't understand.

Do tell.

Edit: Lol, got it. 

Edited June 15, 2020 by Redondo

[Taylor]

On 6/13/2020 at 9:40 AM, Redondo said:

Do tell.

He (helium) already told the joke.

[tdawg87]

On 6/13/2020 at 12:40 PM, Redondo said:

Do tell.

Yikes.

[Redondo]

Just re-read it. Got it now. Lol

Edited June 15, 2020 by Redondo

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[m0nkey]

How are sheep planning on protecting their wool this year?

 

By defunding the fleece department. 

[St1ck]

7 minutes ago, m0nkey said:

How are sheep planning on protecting their wool this year?

 

By defunding the fleece department. 

[Junkballer]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Guys like you keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Its because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!

[Blarg]

 

[Tank]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. 
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now . . . .

[Taylor]

3 hours ago, Tank said:

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. 
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now . . . .

[fan_since79]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
"Genius, my ass - It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

[Jason]

On 6/9/2021 at 11:23 AM, Tank said:

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. 
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now . . . .

[Tank]

[Taylor]

If a woman got a facelift, her face would be all bandaged for weeks. Joke logic fail.

[Jason]

26 minutes ago, Taylor said:

If a woman got a facelift, her face would be all bandaged for weeks. Joke logic fail.

Well it’s a magical facelift so you are wrong 

[Tank]

4 hours ago, Taylor said:

If a woman got a facelift, her face would be all bandaged for weeks. Joke logic fail.

[T.G.]

So my niece recently graduated from college with a degree in accounting.  I asked her what she was planning to do with her degree and she said, "I'm going to work for KFC."  I was a little surprised... I said, "That's great, but why KFC?"  She replied... "It's on my bucket list."

[PattyD22]

A boy was walking down the sidewalk in front of this old man’s house with a roll of duct tape in his hand.  The old man asks the boy “whatcha doing with that duct tape, kid?”

The boy replies “I’m going to go catch some ducks.”  The old man laughs and says “you can’t catch ducks with duct tape, son.”  A little while later the boy comes back with 2 ducks.  The old man can’t believe it.

The next day the same boy walks by, but this time he’s dragging some chicken wire.  The old man asks the boy, “whatcha doing with that chicken wire, son?”  
 

The boy replies, “I’m gonna go catch some chickens.”  Again, the old man says “son, you ain’t gonna catch any chickens with chicken wire.”  Well, a little while later, the boy walks by with 2 chickens.  The old man is stunned.

The day after, the old man sees the boy coming by and he’s carrying something in his hand.  The old man asks “whatcha got there, son?”  The boy replies “A pussy willow.”

The old man jumps up and says “hold on kid.  Let me get my hat.”

[Slegnaac]

Q: What do you call a Doctor that plays Poker?

A: A Cardiologist 

[T.G.]

1 hour ago, PattyD22 said:

A boy was walking down the sidewalk in front of this old man’s house with a roll of duct tape in his hand.  The old man asks the boy “whatcha doing with that duct tape, kid?”

The boy replies “I’m going to go catch some ducks.”  The old man laughs and says “you can’t catch ducks with duct tape, son.”  A little while later the boy comes back with 2 ducks.  The old man can’t believe it.

The next day the same boy walks by, but this time he’s dragging some chicken wire.  The old man asks the boy, “whatcha doing with that chicken wire, son?”  
 

The boy replies, “I’m gonna go catch some chickens.”  Again, the old man says “son, you ain’t gonna catch any chickens with chicken wire.”  Well, a little while later, the boy walks by with 2 chickens.  The old man is stunned.

The day after, the old man sees the boy coming by and he’s carrying something in his hand.  The old man asks “whatcha got there, son?”  The boy replies “A pussy willow.”

The old man jumps up and says “hold on kid.  Let me get my hat.”

I know a version of that with a "horse fly" and "butter fly" as the first two things...

[fan_since79]

First off, I am OK.. I was a little shaken up this morning.. for the first time in my life I was robbed at the Gas station near my home. After my hands stopped shaking...I managed to call the police.. they were quick to respond and calmed me down.. my money is gone but I still have my life.. the police asked me if I knew who did it.. I said yes.. it was pump  number 3...

[Taylor]

30 minutes ago, fan_since79 said:

First off, I am OK.. I was a little shaken up this morning.. for the first time in my life I was robbed at the Gas station near my home. After my hands stopped shaking...I managed to call the police.. they were quick to respond and calmed me down.. my money is gone but I still have my life.. the police asked me if I knew who did it.. I said yes.. it was pump  number 3...

At least this is actually a clean joke, unlike half of the jokes in this thread.

[Blarg]

3 hours ago, fan_since79 said:

First off, I am OK.. I was a little shaken up this morning.. for the first time in my life I was robbed at the Gas station near my home. After my hands stopped shaking...I managed to call the police.. they were quick to respond and calmed me down.. my money is gone but I still have my life.. the police asked me if I knew who did it.. I said yes.. it was pump  number 3...

The police caught up with the suspect and he confessed.