Clean jokes thread

[Lou]

A bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"

The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"

The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

[Redondo]

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

[Redondo]

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Ace-Of-Diamonds]

 

Edited March 22, 2020 by Ace-Of-Diamonds

[Ace-Of-Diamonds]

A Priest, a Rabi, and an atheist go fishing in a small boat on a lake. The Priest remembers he left his lunch in the car, He stands up walks to the shore retrieves his lunch and returns. The Rabi needs to get more bait, stands up walks yo shore gets more bait and returns. The Atheist is amazed by this and attempts to walk to the shore, he takes 1 step and sinks to head and swims back to the boat and climbs in. The other two asked him, "didn't you see the rocks?"

[Ace-Of-Diamonds]

My wife went to doctors for her annual physical. After reviewing the results he told her she had acute angina. She said thank you but please keep this on a on a professional level.

Edited March 25, 2020 by Ace-Of-Diamonds

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Ace-Of-Diamonds]

So Uranus is leaking gas, could that mean the end of the planet?

There's a joke in there somewhere...

[arch stanton]

1 hour ago, Ace-Of-Diamonds said:

So Uranus is leaking gas, could that mean the end of the planet?

There's a joke in there somewhere...

It just means it'll probably end up parked in my driveway

[Slegnaac]

Why does a Chicken-coop only have two doors?

 

If it had four it would be a Chicken-sedan.

[Ace-Of-Diamonds]

It's St. Patrick's Day and almost all of the town is at the parade. A drunken Irishman walks into his favorite pub and sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey. A few minutes later another drunken Irishman comes in ans sit down and orders a whiskey also. A few minutes pass and the 2 man start talking to each other. The first one asks the other where he is from. he replies Dublin, the first one says me too. The second asks the first one what school did you attend, he replies Kennedy high, the second one me too. The first asks what's your birthday and the answer was Oct.10, the other ones says me too. They continue talking when the phone rings and the bar tells the caller no were not busy everyone is at the parade, in fact the only ones here are the O'Reilly twins.

[fan_since79]

A man got stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

[Ace-Of-Diamonds]

A class of young students go to a farm on a field trip. One student asks the farming why his pig only has 3 legs. Well, this pig is a very special pig, he saved my life. One day I was out in the field working and I had a heart attack, this pig ran back to the house, and made such a fuss with his squealing my wife finally went to see what all the commotion was about. The pig got her to follow him to the field and my wife got me medical attention in time to save my life.

 The student asked again why does he only 3 legs? The farmer said, you don't eat and animal like that all at once.

[Tank]

Q: Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of Dodgers players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/mlbjokes/losangelesdodgersjokes.html

[cysomeawfulpitcher]

Why did Sir Elton John flush he land of Oz?

Because goodbye YELLOW brick road.

[Tank]

1 hour ago, cysomeawfulpitcher said:

Why did Sir Elton John flush he land of Oz?

Because goodbye YELLOW brick road.

anyone?

[Lou]

1 hour ago, cysomeawfulpitcher said:

Why did Sir Elton John flush he land of Oz?

Because goodbye YELLOW brick road.

First memes, now jokes.

Are you good at anything?

[Taylor]

5 hours ago, cysomeawfulpitcher said:

Why did Sir Elton John flush he land of Oz?

Because goodbye YELLOW brick road.

Doesn't a statement have to be funny to be considered a joke?

[Taylor]

3 hours ago, Lou said:

First memes, now jokes.

Are you good at anything?

I'm sure he's good at a lot of things. I read once that the average person has hundreds of talents.

[Slegnaac]

On 6/9/2020 at 12:10 PM, Lou said:

First memes, now jokes.

Are you good at anything?

A liver is a terrible thing to waste.

[Redondo]

My hair got so wavy it waved goodbye.

[Redondo]

I'm so broke I can't pay attention. 

Courtesy of Henny Youngman

[JAHV76]

How do you make a tissue dance? 
 

 

You put a little bogey in it.