Clean jokes thread

[m0nkey]

Why are there no America knock-knock jokes?

 

 

Because freedom rings 

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[2112]

Wow, this thread needs a bump!

[2112]

A koala bear was new in town and was looking for some
entertainment when he came across a prostitute who promised
to show him the sights of the city. The koala thought this
sounded good so the prostitute led him to a room where she
undressed and laid out on the bed. The koala then started
to perform oral sex on the prostitute. After she came the
koala got up and headed for the door at which time the
prostitute asked for her money.
As the koala looked bemused at this the prostitute showed
him the word 'prostitute' in the dictionary
"prostitute - a woman who performs sexual acts for money".
The koala then showed the prostitute the word 'koala'
"koala  - a furry animal that eats bush and leaves".

[Tank]

what do dentists call x-rays?

 

 

tooth pics.

[AngelsLakersFan]

14 hours ago, NotMyCat said:

A koala bear was new in town and was looking for some
entertainment when he came across a prostitute who promised
to show him the sights of the city. The koala thought this
sounded good so the prostitute led him to a room where she
undressed and laid out on the bed. The koala then started
to perform oral sex on the prostitute. After she came the
koala got up and headed for the door at which time the
prostitute asked for her money.
As the koala looked bemused at this the prostitute showed
him the word 'prostitute' in the dictionary
"prostitute - a woman who performs sexual acts for money".
The koala then showed the prostitute the word 'koala'
"koala  - a furry animal that eats bush and leaves".

Hey I thought this was the clean jokes thread?! MY VIRGIN EYES! NOO!!

[Jay]

 

[Homebrewer]

[Tank]

what do you get when you cross the atlantic with the titanic?

 

about halfway.

[m0nkey]

A termite walks into a bar and says

"Is the bar tender here?"

[Lou]

On May 2, 2016 at 3:13 PM, the dude abides said:

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

 

A: The Holocaust. 

Brilliant  

[Slegnaac]

Our friend and her four-year-old son were standing in line at a fast food restaurant when in walked a man covered in tattoos.  The boy turned to him and said, "Looks like somebody got into the markers."

 

[Blarg]

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" 
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" 
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. 
"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? 
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? 
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? 
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? 
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" 
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't." 
The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" 
"The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[Blarg]

A Frenchman, Englishman, Scot, and Irishman went into a Pub in Ireland and each ordered a pint of Guiness. When it arrived a fly landed in each of their glasses. 

The Frenchman pushed his glass away in disgust. 

The Englishman looked in, fished out the fly and tossed it aside and continued drinking his beer. 

The Scot looked in at the fly, shrugged his shoulders, picked up his beer and continued to drink. 

The Irishman reached in, grabbed the fly, held it over his glass and said "spit it out, spit it out"

[Blarg]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. 

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' 

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' 

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. 

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00. 

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says. 

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. 

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' 

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?' 

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'

[Angel Oracle]

WWE's Right to Censor storyline from 2000 approves of this thread. 

[Blarg]

Little Johnny: Teacher, you wouldn't punish me for something I didn't do, would you? 

Teacher: If course not. 

Little Johnny: Good. I didn't do my homework. 

[Blarg]

Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. 

Well, for example, just the other day my wife and I went into town and visited a shop, browsing for a while. 

When we came out, there was a parking meter cop writing out a parking ticket. 

I went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a 
senior citizen a break?' 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an Asshole. 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having 
worn-out tires. So Liz called him a Shithead. 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with 
the first. Then he started writing more tickets. 

This went on for about ten minutes. The more we abused him, the 
more tickets he wrote. 

Just then ... our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. 

We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of 
the bumper sticker: 

[Ray McKigney]

Los Angeles, CA (AP)- A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Los Angeles courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Los Angeles Chargers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
 

[Adam]

Seinfeld told a joke on the late show that his dad used to tell.

A husband leaves work early to surprise his wife. He gets home and immediately goes to the bedroom where his wife is asleep. He hears the shower in the bathroom. Upon entering the bathroom he confronts the man in the shower. “What the hell are you doing here?”

the man replies “everyone has to be somewhere.”

[TSD]

A baby seal walks into a club.....

[TSD]

What do you call a smart blonde?  Golden retriever.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[Vegas Halo Fan]

A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3 PM. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

[Dtwncbad]

I wish I knew a clean joke that had a cumquat punchline.

[Slegnaac]

On 1/29/2019 at 6:23 AM, Dtwncbad said:

I wish I knew a clean joke that had a cumquat punchline.

A kumquat is not an orange though it wants to be, especially when it is around other kumquats.