The Introvert Thread

[Taylor]

Since there are several introverts on AW, I thought it would be fun to create a thread for us to share experiences, vent, and give insight into what it means to live as an introvert in an extroverted culture.

First of all, the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain was life-changing for me. I don't agree with everything she says (she does some generalizing), but I think it's a highly important read for introverts as well as extroverts who want to understand what makes us tick.

My story in a nutshell: I am an introvert who works full time as a middle school pastor at a large evangelical church. I love what I do and have found great fulfillment in it. But the bulk of my responsibilities involve interacting with people and there is a lot of social pressure to be outgoing and meet as many people as I can. I often have to "play the extrovert," which I'm getting better at, but these times of intense social interaction are typically bookended with valuable social recharge time.

Church was tough for me growing up, as the church I went to consisted of services that were loud, crowded, and high-energy. The church I now work at is smaller than the church I grew up in, but it has a similar methodology. The good news is that I have a heart for quieter students who don't naturally fit in to an extroverted environment. Still, I often doubt myself and imagine that my life would be a lot easier if I were an extrovert. Or I wonder if I would be better suited working in a job that didn't require a whole lot of social interaction.

I like what Stradling said in the fast food thread about his mentor, who wasn't incredibly social but was still able to thrive in his leadership position. I try to constantly remind myself that my introversion is not a weakness but instead can be an asset in my life, career, and ministry.

What's your story?

[cez]

Always been an introvert, but it took me until my mid 20s to understand that most others aren't, and that I wasn't alone.  

 

Quiet is a very nice book.  A friend recommended it to me a couple of years ago, and I think it outlines what we introverts go through very well.  It helped me understand extroverts a little better, too. 

 

I identified with it most because supervisors in every job I've ever had try to get me to be a "leader," and don't understand why I have no interest in it.  The main benefit I get from doing my best as a teacher is that people pretty much leave me alone.  It's almost like not having supervisors at all, which is glorious.  The only other way I could have this kind of autonomy is by starting my own business, and I'm just not built for that.  

 

Loved that the author was a trial lawyer who had to learn how to get in front of people despite how terrifying it is for introverts. 

[mp170.6]

Taylor, my neighbor is a senior pastor at a medium sized church in Orange County.  I'm almost positive he is an introvert too.  While they have church functions at their home every week or two, he pretty much keeps to himself the rest of the time.  To be honest, we don't even know him that well. 

 

I've stopped trying to assess whether a person is an introvert or extrovert because it doesn't reveal anything useful.  There's a guy that likes to go walking near my house.  I thought for years he was really shy because he never says anything when people say "hello".  Turns out he is deaf.  That explains everything.

[Ray McKigney]

I was going to express my thoughts and feelings here, but decided to just keep it to myself.

[cez]

Taylor, my neighbor is a senior pastor at a medium sized church in Orange County.  I'm almost positive he is an introvert too.  While they have church functions at their home every week or two, he pretty much keeps to himself the rest of the time.  To be honest, we don't even know him that well. 

 

I've stopped trying to assess whether a person is an introvert or extrovert because it doesn't reveal anything useful.  There's a guy that likes to go walking near my house.  I thought for years he was really shy because he never says anything when people say "hello".  Turns out he is deaf.  That explains everything.

I've been mistaken for being a snob many times because I would usually go out of my way to avoid casual interaction with classmates in college, coworkers in the military and my current job, and parties and such.  

 

I think it's helpful for people to contemplate if somebody's an introvert or extrovert just so they don't jump to those kinds of conclusions.  I don't do small talk and stuff because it's so draining to meet new people, not because I'm judging them or anything.  It's always been a problem for me and for most introverts. I don't think it's something that anybody needs to obsess over, but the whole point of that book that taylor's talking about is so that introverts and extroverts can see where each other are coming from a little more clearly  

[Tank]

I was going to express my thoughts and feelings here, but decided to just keep it to myself.

 

if only you applied this same strategy about your raiders fandom-ness.

[Taylor]

Always been an introvert, but it took me until my mid 20s to understand that most others aren't, and that I wasn't alone.  

 

Quiet is a very nice book.  A friend recommended it to me a couple of years ago, and I think it outlines what we introverts go through very well.  It helped me understand extroverts a little better, too. 

 

I identified with it most because supervisors in every job I've ever had try to get me to be a "leader," and don't understand why I have no interest in it.  The main benefit I get from doing my best as a teacher is that people pretty much leave me alone.  It's almost like not having supervisors at all, which is glorious.  The only other way I could have this kind of autonomy is by starting my own business, and I'm just not built for that.  

 

Loved that the author was a trial lawyer who had to learn how to get in front of people despite how terrifying it is for introverts. 

 

cez, I definitely know how you feel. Do you ever find it draining to teach 7 hours a day surrounded by kids? The funny thing is, (most of the time) when I'm leading an event for middle schoolers, I don't feel the same drain as when I'm at a social function with my peers, relatives, etc. Something I've noticed about myself and other introverts is that when we find something we're passionate about, we tend to immerse ourselves in it completely. I'm at my best when I can have a singular focus on something important.

[Taylor]

Taylor, my neighbor is a senior pastor at a medium sized church in Orange County.  I'm almost positive he is an introvert too.  While they have church functions at their home every week or two, he pretty much keeps to himself the rest of the time.  To be honest, we don't even know him that well.

 

Introverted senior pastors are actually more common than most would think. One of my other favorite books is Introverts in the Church by Adam S. McHugh.

[mp170.6]

Outside of work acquaintances and my close friends (that I've had for years and years), I struggle making and maintaining friendships with people my own age.  I'm talking about people plus or minus a couple years, and it's especially bad if we attended the same schools or grew up in the same city. 

 

I don't know if this is introversion or something much deeper. 

[Taylor]

Introversion simply means you grow fatigued while socializing. Extroverts become energized while socializing. One easy way to figure it out is to ask yourself whether you are OK being alone. I could be alone for hours on end (sometimes days) without feeling the need to surround myself with other people. My extroverted friends tell me they go stir crazy if they're alone for too long. 

[mp170.6]

Introversion simply means you grow fatigued while socializing. Extroverts become energized while socializing. One easy way to figure it out is to ask yourself whether you are OK being alone. I could be alone for hours on end (sometimes days) without feeling the need to surround myself with other people. My extroverted friends tell me they go stir crazy if they're alone for too long. 

 

Is there such a thing as selective introversion? 

 

Socializing with people my own age does wear me out sometimes.  One of the reasons is my long-term memory.  I can't remember names of anything well, or if I do, I can't place where they belong.  The other day someone asked which rides at Disneyland I enjoyed as a kid, but I couldn't remember any of the names.  I have the same problem with movies, bands, TV shows, books I read, etc from my childhood.  It's frustrating and exhausting discussing my childhood.

 

These conversations seem to be less common when there's a big enough age gap between me and the other person.  So, for me, bigger age gap = more extroverted. 

[Vegas Halo Fan]

Is there such a thing as selective introversion? 

 

Socializing with people my own age does wear me out sometimes.  One of the reasons is my long-term memory.  I can't remember names of anything well, or if I do, I can't place where they belong.  The other day someone asked which rides at Disneyland I enjoyed as a kid, but I couldn't remember any of the names.  I have the same problem with movies, bands, TV shows, books I read, etc from my childhood.  It's frustrating and exhausting discussing my childhood.

 

These conversations seem to be less common when there's a big enough age gap between me and the other person.  So, for me, bigger age gap = more extroverted. 

 

It sounds like you equate being with people your own age to being caught in some kind of quiz that never ends. That sounds very draining. If there is more of an age gap you and the other person have probably had very different life experiences, so there is less chance for that to happen.

 

I am in a position that sometimes requires me to spend time around people who I had rather not deal with. While not the same thing as being introverted, I find it very difficult to be social with people I don't particularly care for. For this reason I never attend my agency's holiday parties. This is my 14th year with this organization and I haven't been to one yet, didn't go to one with a previous employer with whom I spent about the same length of time. If I can barely stand being around them at work, I'm sure not going to pay to spend the evening with them.

[arch stanton]

I never tried to label myself but I don't like large social gatherings and I don't feel that I have much in common with most people.

[Tank]

i've never been an introvert, but oddly, the older i get the less social i've become. i don't go out much at all, and if i'm with a group, i do not have to be the center of attention - in fact, i don't like it at all. i don't know how that works in to the discussion here, but i wonder if others have experienced something similar.

[DerekGMZ]

Quiet is an excellent read.

I find myself having trouble with small talk as well. I'd rather talk about personal things, but for some people its awkward to start personal. Therefore, I'll come off as indifferent or uninterested or just creepy at times and conversations never get started. I can sit for 12+ hours at the poker table and never lose interest. Its a good mix of being among people while not being obligated to hold a conversation throughout. I dread speaking in front of large groups. When my brother got married I was co-best man. I had to make a speech and I was terrified. I knew it meant a lot to my brother so I studied hard and performed in front of my mirror for weeks until I memorized every word and expression. Eventually I gave an 8 minute speech and was congratulated by many people I didn't even know. A few told me it was one of the best speeches they had ever heard. I was one of the greatest moments of my life, because I got to share it with my family. I was drained for a week, but relieved. 

 

*I heart AW because if it wasn't for you guys as a whole I would still be a shy little hermit kid with no spine. I grew with this group in a big way.  (Spring Training '09 - Thank you)  I will always remember where I came from. 

[Taylor]

i've never been an introvert, but oddly, the older i get the less social i've become. i don't go out much at all, and if i'm with a group, i do not have to be the center of attention - in fact, i don't like it at all. i don't know how that works in to the discussion here, but i wonder if others have experienced something similar.

 

I'd become more quiet and observant too if I had to watch out for st1ckboy all the time.

 

In all seriousness, I've heard several people say they've become more introverted as they've gotten older. It may have to do with decreasing energy levels as we get older, and also a growing contentment with ourselves and our close family members. We no longer need to fill our lives with all sorts of activities and social outings to feel fulfilled.

[Taylor]

Quiet is an excellent read.

I find myself having trouble with small talk as well. I'd rather talk about personal things, but for some people its awkward to start personal. Therefore, I'll come off as indifferent or uninterested or just creepy at times and conversations never get started. I can sit for 12+ hours at the poker table and never lose interest. Its a good mix of being among people while not being obligated to hold a conversation throughout. I dread speaking in front of large groups. When my brother got married I was co-best man. I had to make a speech and I was terrified. I knew it meant a lot to my brother so I studied hard and performed in front of my mirror for weeks until I memorized every word and expression. Eventually I gave an 8 minute speech and was congratulated by many people I didn't even know. A few told me it was one of the best speeches they had ever heard. I was one of the greatest moments of my life, because I got to share it with my family. I was drained for a week, but relieved. 

 

*I heart AW because if it wasn't for you guys as a whole I would still be a shy little hermit kid with no spine. I grew with this group in a big way.  (Spring Training '09 - Thank you)  I will always remember where I came from. 

 

Thanks for the post, Derek. I definitely relate to hating small talk. I'd much rather discuss more important things than the weather or what I did today.

 

I've actually become more at ease with public speaking because of my aversion to small talk. When you're in front of a group of people, you are in control of the conversation. You can guide the conversation however you want without being interrupted. I'm much more comfortable with speaking in front of 100+ people than walking into a room full of people I don't know. This is part of the reason I've never been to an AW event... I'd feel awkward and anxious having to make small talk. But I love hearing that your experience at Spring Training with AW peeps has helped you grow.

[Angel Oracle]

I am waaay less introverted than I was as a child, but I am still somewhat introverted when amongst a group of people I don't know. 

Unless the subject is sports, and then the introverted part disappears. 

 

You could say that I was sheltered as a child, although I did travel somewhat regularly (only in the U.S.) with my parents while growing up.

Even as a HS senior, I had become a little less introverted but still found it hard to socialize often enough.   I could exchange conversation with the popular folks in HS by then, but still was not confident at all when in a bigger social setting. 

 

I do wonder sometimes if numbers/details oriented folks tend to be more introverted. 

[Taylor]

Ha, I don't remember creating this thread at all, but it seemed to be a valuable (albeit short-lived) discussion.

Thanks for bringing this to my attention, @True Grich!

[AngelsLakersFan]

On 4/23/2021 at 4:39 PM, Taylor said:

Ha, I don't remember creating this thread at all, but it seemed to be a valuable (albeit short-lived) discussion.

Thanks for bringing this to my attention, @True Grich!

Reading through this thread I've realized I've become much more extroverted over the years. I think a lot of it comes down to how you internalize your social status and the confidence you have in yourself. 

[Taylor]

4 hours ago, AngelsLakersFan said:

Reading through this thread I've realized I've become much more extroverted over the years. I think a lot of it comes down to how you internalize your social status and the confidence you have in yourself. 

That might be part of it, but being drained by social interactions doesn't have anything to do with confidence.

[failos]

Wait, you’re a pastor??

Edited April 25, 2021 by Φαήλος

[Lou]

I had tacos al pastor a couple of days ago.

[Angels Never Die]

For me, it's all about taking purposeful alone time and communicating that to others, even if you're scared they'll react badly. Make time for yourself and be real with other people about your needs (it's likely they won't react negatively.) I'm very introverted, and I've gotten better at socializing and putting on a happy face, but it wipes me out so fast. I've had social anxiety, depression, and I've dealt with some agoraphobia (I'm mostly over it now,) so I've really had to find a system in my life that allows for me to conserve my energy better. 

[AngelsLakersFan]

1 hour ago, Taylor said:

That might be part of it, but being drained by social interactions doesn't have anything to do with confidence.

There is actually a pretty strong connection. Think of high school, if you are one of the popular kids social interactions are going to be far less draining than if you are an unpopular kid. That isn't to say that popular kids can't be introverted, only that a lot of what we think about as introversion/extroversion is really just an extension of how we see ourselves.