A Few Good Pitchers – The Script

[AngelsWin.com]

By Glen McKee, AngelsWin.com Columnist/Satirist-

Somewhere between the ball field in Anaheim, the production houses in Hollywood and the Winter Meeting suites in Orlando, a script was born.  A script chillingly familiar.  A script no one wanted you to see. What follows is an outtake from that script …

“A Few Good Pitchers.”

                      A Few Good Pitchers

                                   INT.  ANGELS’ STADIUM - DAY

                                              SCIOSCIA

                                           I want the truth!

                                               DIPOTO

                                   You can't handle the truth!

                                            And nobody moves.

                       

                                                DIPOTO

                                              (continuing)

               

Scioscia, we have a team that needs pitching. And we have to get it on the cheap.  How are we gonna do it? Sign Garza?  Sign Colon?  I have the financial restraints you gave me! You tell me to get Santiago and you don’t say how.  You have that luxury.  You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That to trade for Santiago, we’ll have to give up Trumbo and do a three-way.  This trade will probably win games.  And this trade, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves my job .

                                                  (beat)

You don't want the truth.  Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at the post-game spread, you want me on this job.  You need me here. 

                                                (boasting)

We use words like luxury tax, tERA, xFIP...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent crunching numbers to build a better team.  You use 'em as a punchline.

                                       

                                                  (beat)

               

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who insists on starting Jeff Mathis, to the extreme that I had to trade him for scraps. I'd prefer you just said thank you and went with a sensible lineup.  Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a copy of Fangraphs and read it.  Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.

                                              SCIOSCIA

                                               (quietly)

                                   Did you trade Mark Trumbo?

                                               DIPOTO

                                                 (beat)

                                I did the job you sent me to do.

                                              SCIOSCIA

                                 Did you trade Mark Trumbo?

                                              DIPOTO

                                               (pause)

                                You're goddamn right I did.

                                   Silence.  From everyone.  

        ARTE MORENO, TIM MEAD, CHUCK RICHTER, they're all frozen.

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[Chuck]

Glen, you're on a roll brutha.

[nate]

Great job, Glen!

[T.G.]

Awesome.

[Blarg]

So Dipoto is going to be arrested and Courts Martialed?

[Spirit]

Lulz

[Scott34]

This reminded me of those videos from xtranormal that someone used to make.  Those were classic!

[Ohtaniland]

Who ordered the Code Red?

 

 

 

Nice work again Glen......

[ten ocho recon scout]

Somehow, deep down, you just KNOW kevin bacon himself is somehow related to someone who got traded. Probably eaton.

[Stradling]

Very very nice Glen. I knew there was a reason a drafted you for our softball team (only to have you bail on us).

[Glen]

Very very nice Glen. I knew there was a reason a drafted you for our softball team (only to have you bail on us).

 

 

I couldn't handle the truth.

[Stradling]

Well Glen, you would have been a back to back champion.

[Splint7438]

Our pitching. What if this is as good as it gets? What if Helen Hunt helps us with our day to day lineup. What if we attach every Jack Nicholson, Cruise or Kevin bacon film to the state of our club.

[Stradling]

Mathis was on the grassy knoll.

[Blarg]

I can't believe you didn't include Demi Moore.

Then again you do drink fruit tea.

[Spirit]

As I'm reading through Glen's script, I'm mentally trying to cast the actors to play Mike and Jerry.  Tom and Jack not seem to be the right fit.  

[Splint7438]

Didn't Demi Moore shoot her wife in the garage?

[Splint7438]

By the way Eric..........we know you're dieting to take the ice tea plunge!

[tomsred]

You forgot to include the reviews from the LA Times and the Register.  Nice job Glenn.