A Eulogy For the 2014 Oakland Athletics

[AngelsWin.com]

By Toby Hunt, AngelsWin.com Staff Writer - 


As another September sun sets over the beautiful and luxurious Acorn Projects, we must bid our last farewells to a cherished friend. A Friend we all know and love. A friend with more passion and grit than Darin Erstad’s resume. A friend that fought hard to the very end, but just couldn’t hold on any longer. A friend that faced and overcame adversity, as well as a plumbing system that would make even the most hardened of poop fanatics nervous. A friend that defied all odds and found success despite having nothing of value. I am of course referring to the 2014 Oakland A’s.


                       They died doing what they loved

Yes, today is a day for mourning, but it is not a day for regrets. As a cool wind blows through the autumn trash bags it reminds us all that life is far too short to be spent on regrets. For life goes on as it always has. Beane has given us so much using so little, and we must be grateful to Him. We must all remember that the A’s were strong in life, and while they may have died face down in a gutter, choking on their own bile, beards covered in excrement, there is no shame to be found. No regrets. Your tears are welcomed on this day, but they should not all be in sadness. No, not in sadness but in relief. The 2014 Oakland A’s are in a better place now.


                       "'Is this heaven?' 'No. it's TPC.'"

Now, all of us must deal with loss in life. It is simply part of the human condition. Many tears will be shed this day. Memories will flood your mind like the bathrooms at the Coliseum. Pain will be felt this day, and for many days to come. It is a pain not only of the heart, but of the butt as well. This is natural in a time of great loss and sadness. But my friends, do not despair, for Beane works in mysterious ways. It was simply the A’s time to go. There is no doubt in my mind that the A’s will live on, not only in our minds and in our hearts, but in our butts as well, for that is where it hurts the most. Pain is our way of showing love and remorse in these hard times, and while the pain goes away with time, the memories do not. Each and every one of us will remember the A’s not for how they died, but for how they lived.


                                         Oh.

Family, friends, large green tarpaulin covers, all gathered here today to honor their loved one for one last time. To pay their final respects before their loved one is flushed. I have invited one friend up to the podium today to pay his last respects. “I…..I’m a bit nervuth and filled with emotionth right now. I….I don’t normally thpeak in front of thith many people, but I felt I needed to thay goodbye to my beloved friend. The 2014 Oakland A’th were a very good friend, and I know I will mith them greatly. We’ve been through tho much together. Tho many great yearth and memorieth. I was at a game and Jermaine Dye wath nithe enough to throw me a baithball that he thigned. Thank you Jermaine. Jermaine wath too buthy to make it today, but I know he ith here in thpirit. I jutht wanted to thay…..I love the A’th with all my heart, and thith pain in my butt will latht for quite thome time. But I know Beane will take care of the A’th. I have faith he alwayth knowth what to do. Retht in peath, my friend.”


                   Picture unrelated to article.

As you can see, my friends, loss affects us all. We may come from different hoods, and speak different languages, but our hearts and drums beat the same rhythm. As we say our final farewells to our silenced friend, our love will not be silenced. In the end, Beane has a plan for us all. And while that plan may be absolutely ****ing stupid, we must all have faith that one day He will lead us the way to the promised land. One day…


                                  Just not today.




R.I.P. A’s, R.I.P.

[Chuck]

Love it, TDAWG! 

 

I can't think of a better eulogy for the Oakland Asshats! 

[CAAngelsLifer]

Great bedtime read. too bad i'm too keyed up to fall asleep.

[ELEVEN]

Best.

Post.

Ever.

Pubes.

[SoCALkid]

TL:DR

[nate]

[Adam]

Theriouthly thuper thtuff

[Josh Weinstock]

Love it!

[Spirit]

"Picture unrelated to article."

 

 

classic

[Angel Oracle]

Classicth blogth!

Edited October 2, 2014 by Angel Oracle

[Angel Dog and Beer]

"Picture unrelated to article."

 

 

classic

I just about spit up my coffee at that part. Awesome stuff.

 

But really, let's not gloat about this everyone.

[tomsred]

I just about spit up my coffee at that part. Awesome stuff.

 

But really, let's not gloat about this everyone.

 

If you gloat too much it loses the "l", and you become the "goat."

[Kenny]

Remember the time that Billy Beane was in WWII and he had a haircut like Macklemore, and he was a tank driver with Sam Witwicky, and the owner of the Charros?  I think that distracted him.

[summit21]

Great post, but let's not forget that we haven't won sh#t yet. Anything less than an appearance in the series with this payroll will be a total fail, IMO.

Edited October 2, 2014 by summit21

[tdawg87]

We won more than the A's did. Even if the Angels get swept.

lol A'th

[summit21]

Great post, but let's not forget that we haven't won sh#t yet. Anything less than an appearance in the series with this payroll will be a total fail, IMO.

As I was saying...

[Angelsjunky]

This is called "counting your chickens before they're hatched."

 

So if the Angels lose on Sunday, will you write a eulogy for them? After all, they would have lost three times to the Royals while the A's only lost once.

 

The moral of the story: Don't gloat without having something to gloat about. The Angels really haven't accomplished anything more than the Angels, other than be a greater disappointment (so far) in the postseason.

[summit21]

Not to hate on the author, but this article bothered me a lot. Only team I hate more than the A's is the Rangers, but we had not won anything close to my expectations when this was posted. Agree with Angelsjunky..."counting the chickens before they hatch" is just BS!

Edited October 4, 2014 by summit21