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The 430 Million Dollar Man

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"Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can replace that shattered calf with a new, improved, bionic one. In fact, we can rebuild his whole aging body and transform it into a sleek, powerful hitting and fielding machine, to play every day and carry the Angels to the playoffs and beyond! He'll never get hurt again on a baseball field. The Angels will get a real return on their investment."

"But Mr. Goldman, he merely strained that calf while jogging back to the dugout after a routine third out fly ball. No need for such drastic measures."

"Nonsense! Nobody takes three months for a little muscle pull with no timetable for his return. This young man is falling apart and we need to do something now! We're going to get him back on the field by next week once we're finished with him. Have him report to me immediately. This is a national security priority!"

"Sir, how about Upton? Can we do something there?"

"No, he's hopeless. Just DFA the bum, along with much of the bullpen."

"I didn't know you were such a fan, Mr. Goldman."

"Well, you can't root for the Dodgers. That would be Un-American."




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