OC Register: Whicker: 2021 sports year in review (yes, 2021)

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Looking back at the world of sports in 2021:

JANUARY

Michigan brings back coach Jim Harbaugh, leading to speculation that Urban Meyer is holding out for the St. John Bosco job.

Tim Thomas, the former Boston goaltender, confuses pundits by campaigning against masks.

Bill Belichick, finally idle at playoff time, wows the “NFL on CBS” studio show with his excellent tap-dancing.

FEBRUARY

Six people complain of sore arms after vaccinations. The Angels sign them all to minor-league contracts.

The Padres continue their spending spree by introducing their new mascot, the San Diego Duck l’Orange.

The NBA shelves its experiment to invite 19,000 mice to Staples Center for Lakers-Clippers. A spokesperson said, “We just couldn’t find enough little bitty masks.”

MARCH

The Kings begin teaching their cutouts and virtual fans the subtleties of icing, offside and chanting “Ducks suck.”

Gonzaga, Alabama A&M, James Madison and Montana State, the only four Division I teams to complete the college basketball season, arrive in Indianapolis for the Final Four.

Congressional historians confirm that Tommy Tuberville has become the first U.S. Senator to lose a Belk Bowl.

APRIL

Now at 340 pounds, Bryson DeChambeau takes a two-shot Masters lead on Sunday but falls into Rae’s Creek when the Sarazen Bridge collapses.

The Padres begin the baseball season with a parade celebrating their December pennant, on the same route Don Coryell and Dan Fouts used in August of 1979.

White Sox manager Tony La Russa writes Luis Aparicio and Nellie Fox on his Opening Day lineup card before his coaches intervene.

MAY

Denying accusations that he has perfected the “Purell cutter” in the offseason, the Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw opens 2021 by no-hitting the Rockies.

Confronted by angry astronauts who feel mocked by its nickname, the Houston baseball team renames itself the Cheetahs.

Charlie Woods wins the Memorial Tournament by two strokes over Tiger Woods, is grounded for two months.

JUNE

In a Showtime special, Errol Spence and Terence Crawford leave their animosity behind and warmly reminisce about their four exciting years of not fighting each other.

The Dodgers order Cody Bellinger to stay six feet away from Kiké Hernandez.

Vanderbilt placekicker Sarah Fuller announces plans to transfer “to a place where they might actually score a touchdown every couple of weeks.”

JULY

The All-Star Game’s skills competition features awards for Best Shifter, Most Pitches Taken, and Most Spectacular Dugout Tantrum By A Starting Pitcher.

The Lakers hold JaVale McGee to 24 points and beat Cleveland in Game 6 of the NBA Finals, clinching their second consecutive title.

Scottish doctors report the complete eradication of COVID-19 after all Open Championship contestants are vaccinated with haggis.

AUGUST

USC says it can’t make up its postponed 2020 game with Alabama because it has to be at home when the landscapers show up, plus there’s a Saturday Zoom call with its financial advisers.

The Dodgers play in Philadelphia, visit Independence Hall, wonder why Austin Barnes isn’t listed among the Framers.

Mysteriously, the Cooperstown microphones stop working as Curt Schilling approaches the podium. He brings a bullhorn just in case.

SEPTEMBER

As most of the world’s best players withdraw in advance, the team of Diamond and Silk wins the women’s doubles at the U.S. Open.

The Padres lead the Dodgers 9-0 after six innings at Dodger Stadium, but Blake Snell still gestures to the dugout and brings in a reliever for Manager Jayce Tingler.

Kyrie Irving falls off Earth on the way to the Tokyo Olympics, is “questionable” to start the 2021-22 season for Brooklyn.

OCTOBER

The Angels miss the playoffs, but Stacey Abrams says she’s organized 1.5 million baseball writers to win another MVP for Mike Trout.

As players rave about the way new coach Marie Kondo has re-organized their two-minute drills, the Chargers improve to 6-0 with a 38-37 victory over Kansas City.

A judge rules that the signatures of only seven Pac-12 university presidents are required to recall Commissioner Larry Scott.

NOVEMBER

Florida Georgia Line plays the national anthem before a Jaguars-Texans game. Rookie quarterback Trevor Lawrence immediately demands a trade.

Ryan Getzlaf’s four points and Jonathan Quick’s 42 saves lead the Seattle Kraken to a 5-2 victory over San Jose in its franchise debut.

Hoping to improve her chances in 2024, Vice President Kamala Harris signs with Klutch Sports.

DECEMBER

In anticipation of global warming, the Big West Conference extends a formal invitation to Missouri State for the 2051-52 season.

NFL players object to a 17-game schedule. The owners’ counter-proposal allows them to play on 17 consecutive days if they wish.

Sierra Canyon’s basketball team secures commitments from all male babies named Antetokounmpo, Doncic and Morant.

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