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Where's The Beef?

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The state of Angels baseball, explained in commercials
By Glen McKee, AngelsWin.com columnist - 
Wow, it’s been a rough season so far and the light on the horizon is dim at best.  Injuries, bad contracts, uninspired play, and a lack of depth have conspired to give the Angels one of their worst starts ever and now even making the playoffs seems a Herculean task (and not one of the easy ones, like slaying the Nemean lion).  However, that doesn’t mean there isn’t any enjoyment to be had from the season.  Some of that fun can come from comparing the state of Angels baseball to commercials, both current and past.  Allow me to illustrate...
The relationship of Angels fans to manager Mike Scioscia = the “Jake from ‘State Farm’’ commercial.
First, let me say that the “Jake” commercial is one of the most disturbing things on TV right now, right behind watching the Angels play.  The relationship of the couple in the commercial has to be teetering on the edge of destruction and I think the shrewish wife is gonna beat the crap out of her husband a few days after the commercial takes place, and he’ll then run away with Jake (they’re secretly lovers).  But I digress; here’s the commercial in case you’ve missed it:


This commercial is a metaphor for how a growing number of fans feel about Mike Scioscia.  The husband is Mike Scioscia, the wife is the fans, and I guess Jake is a combination of Arte Moreno and Jerry Dipoto.  No matter what Scioscia/husband does, wife/fans is mistrustful of it and suspects the worst.  As with my assumed “after the commercial ends” scenario there is some justification to how wife/fans are feeling but not as much as they think. Like the marriage in the commercial is doomed to a horrible ending, the Angels relationship with Mike Scioscia looks like it will end after the commercial (season) plays out.
Angels baserunning = Pepsi Max “I’m good!” commercial
As horrible and disturbing as the last commercial was, this one is funny.  Unlike the Angels on the basepaths – particularly when headed to thirdbase for some reason – I never get tired of this one:


Much like the guys in the commercial, the Angels are getting killed on the basepaths but don’t seem to realize it and try to shrug it off.  Made the last out – or the first or second out – at third?  We’re good!  Unlike the commercial, though, the Angels on the run aren't funny.  Sigh.
The signing of Josh Hamilton = Doritos “Goat 4 Sale” commercial
Another one of my favorite commercials because really, who doesn’t love a goat?  Not in the biblical sense, of course – they’re just cool with their weird pupils and ability to eat anything.  So yeah, the commercial:
In this commercial the Angels are the bearded guy, the Texas Rangers are the dude selling the goat at the start of the commercial, and Josh Hamilton is the goat.  Hamilton/goat seemed like a great fit because both of us loved Doritos/money.  However, Hamilton/goat is eating up our Doritos/money and giving us nothing in return.  Hopefully in a few months this commercial will look like a ridiculous choice.  Maybe Josh needs to get a goat-pupil transplant to pull it off.
The Angels offense = Wendy’s “Where’s the beef?” commercial


It doesn’t really need explaining, but: the Angels offense is the burger.  All bun, almost no meat.  Bun = RISP, meat = runs.  The old ladies are Angels fans, of course.
Angels pitching = Geico “Dikembe Mutombo”” commercial
Dikembe Mutombo is impossible to dislike in this commercial:
He’s also every team that faces the Angels pitching, and whatever he’s gleefully swatting down is at least six runs.  The Angels try to say “Not in my house!” but Dikembe/other team whacks us like a box of cereal or the letter G. I swear, most of the time the other team makes it look that easy.
How the future looks for the Angels = Allstate “Mayhem motorcycle” commercial
The motorcycle is the Angels team and mayhem is Jerry Dipoto.  Whee!  He crashed the team and it’s gonna take a little while to pick it up and clean it off.  That doesn’t mean he can’t do it, just that he’s steering a beat-up bike that used be to all shiny and awesome but now it has dents and scratches and damage.
Confession: I still love this team – you can love something and still not like it much – but I’m just trying to find ways to make these games more enjoyable.  Right now it’s tough.
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