Clean jokes thread

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A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

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A doctor had just finished giving a senior woman a physical and declared the woman in fine shape.  Then the doctor asked the woman if she had any concerns.


"Well, there is something I was wondering if you could help me with.  You see, I constantly have gas, but the good thing is that my gas doesn't smell and you can't hear me tooting.  Since no one knows that I have gas, I'll toot wherever I go.  For example, when I go to the gym or when I go shopping and I'm waiting in a long line in the check out counter, I'm constantly passing gas.  As a matter of fact, I was passing gas as you were giving me my physical. Still, I would prefer that I didn't have the gas.  Is there something you can give me to get rid of it?"


"Hmmm, okay" the doctor responded.  I'm going to prescribe this medication for you to take daily.  Please come see me in about two weeks to see how it's working."


Two weeks pass by and the woman comes back to see the doctor and angrily talks to the doctor.


"Doctor, the medication you gave me doesn't work.  Not only does it not work, but now my gas is extremely smelly.  You gave me the wrong medication."


The doctor responded "good, now that your sense of smell is working, let me prescribe something for your hearing."

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An elderly couple are driving from Florida to California and they get pulled over by the police in Texas. An elderly man is driving the car.

Officer: Can I see your license?

Elderly woman: What he say?

Elderly man: He wants to see my license?

Officer: Can I see your registration?

Elderly woman: What he say?

Elderly man: He wants to see my registration.

Officer: I see your from Florida. I had some of the worst sex of my life in Florida.

Elderly woman: What he say?

Elderly man: Turns to the wife and says he says he thinks he knows you.

Edited by JAHV76

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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed: 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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A highway cop was cruising one evening when he noticed a car with a penguin in the back seat. He pulled the car over.


Officer: Sir, why do you have a penguin in your back seat?

Driver: I saw him wandering on the side of the road, so I put him in my car for safety.

Officer: Don't you think he probably escaped from the zoo?

Driver: You're right. I'll take him back to the zoo tomorrow.


The next evening, the cop was cruising down the freeway, when once again, he saw the same car with the same penguin in the back seat. He pulled the car over a second time.


Officer: Sir, I thought we agreed you'd take the penguin back to the zoo.

Driver: I did take the penguin to the zoo. We had a great time. We're going to Sea World tomorrow.

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