Things that are often lies

[Vegas Halo Fan]

"These aren't my pants"- many arrestees with dope in their pockets.

 

And its relative, "I was just holding it for this other dude" - inmates caught with contraband, especially drugs.

[Lou]

i'm in the best shape of my life

[JAHV76]

You're my first I swear. I only learned how to have sex by watching porn in college.

[Spirit]

I can't get enough of the Grateful Dead. 

[mtangelsfan]

Who is this nugs you keep calling me?

[Lhalo]

It's only candy, I swear.

[m0nkey]

It's ok, no rush. Take your time

[Spirit]

Saw Van Halen on their last concert tour.  David Lee Roth has never sounded better! 

[Hollyw00d]

Yes, that's my car

[HaloMagic]

The ball was coming out of his hand nice.

He'll be ready by Spring Training.

[Tank]

_____ reported to camp in the best shape of his life.

[Docwaukee]

I get a kick out of some of the things parents say about their kids:

 

'mine go to bed at 730 every night, they never eat candy, and they never watch tv.'

 

Really?  Then how come your 4 year old who can't read recognized that bag of mm's or that dora the explorer back pack?  

[HaloMagic]

We learned in the "I don't watch TV" thread some months back that "I don't watch TV" is actually code for "I spend my whole day watching Netflix and Hulu. What? That's not TV. I don't even get TV."

[Angel Dog and Beer]

Hope and change.

[Lou]

if we come back and win this game...

self-ban for a month!

[Glen]

I'd love to spend some more time with your family.

 

(Answers the phone in a groggy voice) No, you didn't wake me up.  (Had this one at work the other night.  Let a guy go home very early, then had to call him at 11pm for something.  Swore that we didn't wake him up.  The next day he admitted we did.  Most times, people say you didn't wake them up even when it's obvious you did.)

[nate]

Wifi SSID's with Al Queda in the name.